Even if it wasn't sex, I didn't want
to hold hands with them, or even sitting next to one on the train
would be enough to make me nervous. These days continued for quite
a long time...
I didn't even want to talk to them back then...and I even hit men
who approached me with other objectives in mind before they got
a chance to do anything (laughter).
But even in that state I said okay to a guy who asked me if I wanted
to go out with him. I thought that was strange myself. It's just
that I felt elated that someone liked me and I just wanted to return
those feelings to him.
It was just that...I realized that I still couldn't have sex with
him even though we were going out! He kept asking me "Isn't
it about time?" again and again but we broke up without ever
having sex together.
I was really worried about that back
then. I mean, even if I like someone and he wants me, I couldn't
do anything for him! I wondered "Why was god being so
mean to me?" and truly hated my fate. But one day it suddenly
came to me! That "Nothing's going to get solved by just worrying
over it." So I decided to enter the AV world in order to lose
my fear of men. So after being sexually harrased...without ever having sex again
afterwards, I appeared in an AV. That was my debut work "Shojo
Ya" (Virgin Shrine) (1995).
I had prepared myself for what was going to happen back
then but when the shooting started I suddenly got scared...I got
reminded of what happened to me back then and I started to cry.
I made the shoot get delayed another five hours before
we began again...
When we do AVs the staff all act very nice to me and
they try to make sure that I feel comfortable, like "Maiko-chan,
just tell us when you don't want to do something, okay?" But
it's not always like that when I'm on magazines and TV programs.
When that happened I was at first like "Why don't they care
about me? Why!!"
A normal person would keep quiet about such things but
since I was suddenly thrust into this type of thing I just said
it straight forwardly where everyone could easily hear me. No one
ever told me how I was supposed to behave in the business world...although
the agency that managed me treated me well, doted on me infact,
they didn't tell me what was important as another professional in
this business...so bad rumors about me started to get spread around.
Rumors like that really get to you when you're wrong,
don't they? And since you don't know who was the one that was spreading
those rumors you lose concentration from doing work. So a friend
of mine actually went out and found out who it was that spread those
rumors. And it was...the person who spread the rumors about me was
the staff that I had trusted the most!
So I reverted back to not being able to trust
people again. I kept it to myself again just like last time. I didn't
think of the negative repercussions of doing that back then.
I was thinking along the lines of "How
should I quit this line of work?" or "I want to quit and
go back being a regular girl!". I'd sometimes think "How
did it all end up like this?" or "I'm such an idiot"
and pretty much answered all the questions I had myself.
There was also the fact that my boyfriend at the time
said "You're nothing but a damned AV star!" when we fought...
So I'd call up one of my old friends to loosen up but
they'd only be telling me how immoral I was for doing AVs, that
I was a 'whore' or a 'slut'...
So I became unsure about what I was supposed to do and
so I decided to return to being a normal girl for the time being.
"I turned into a well-mannered lady after I'd gotten
my pro mentality."
The main reason I came back was because I'd gotten requests
to do photobooks and movies from Hong Kong. So we held a 'press
conference' there which was actually just an excuse to hold an autograph
signing. And when we went, there were more than 8000 people that
I was really surprised. I mean, we didn't even
have the time to take a 5 minute break to get a cup of coffee. They'd
be reporters from newspapers and magazines that came up to me one
after the other and the fans were very enthusiastic as well!